Freaky Fairytale Friday

Since it’s Friday, and since I’m in a weirder mood than usual, I have decided to post a warped fairytale. This story has nothing to do with food but it is entertaining and will be sure to waste at least 5 minutes of your Friday. I should probably mention here that I am a fairytale whore. I love nothing more than a very capable lady in distress with no one but an idiotic yet handsome knight to save her. What can I say? I’m a romantic. One day I hope to write a collection of these ridiculous yet peculiarly gratifying stories. This particular story was written by myself and 5 other wonderful people from my creative writing class that took place in our teacher Lisa’s living room. We wrote it in 10 minutes during a quick write exercise that required us to continue passing the story along so that everyone had a chance add on.
I would like to dedicate this to our fabulous and brilliant teacher Lisa- Thank you for everything!
Snow White Exposed
Once upon a time there was a lovely queen who was busy aging gracefully. One day her husband, the King, announced he had a daughter by a previous one-night stand. He was tired of running from child support payments so she was coming to live with them. The lovely queen jumped for joy at the thought of having a step-daughter and polished the castle from top to bottom… along with the six maid servants, two valets, a butler, seven gardeners, 3 stable hands, four maids in waiting, the chef, the sous chef and nine jockeys that usually decorated the lawn.
The day of the stepdaughter’s arrival was at hand, so the King had a grand ball to welcome her. She showed up four hours late, drunk as a dishwasher, with a ne’er do boyfriend named Pablo and 46 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage. She was a chain smoker with eleven tattoos, only six of which were visible despite her mini-skirt and low cut tube top.
The queen wasn’t happy to see how skinny her stepdaughter was. She obviously didn’t eat. So she pulled her aside to find out more about herself.
Snow White- Look, I’m not here to clean and make your life easier.
The Queen- No, I thought we could get to know each other and have some tea
SW- Don’t even think about going in my room
Q- No, that is your space.
SW- You bet your old ass it is. I need time to get this look together. Do you know how
hard it is to get the townsfolk to cobble these platforms?
Q- I’m sorry you are upset. Is there anything that I can do?
SW- Do you know how to pierce a belly button? I bet you don’t. Never mind.
This was how many of the Queen’s attempts to befriend Snow White went. In her determination to be accepted, and because the Queen was never very good with peer pressure, she often agreed to her bizarre and ludicrous pleas. One week it was a belly button ring, the next it was her 12th tattoo. This sent the queen into a fluster, as she was not comfortable “putting ink” on her stepdaughter’s ass. Eventually Snow White’s terrible requests drove the Queen into a state of mental illness. Because of her high stress levels the Queen developed grey hairs, crow’s feet, and nasty warts. Rumors spread that she wandered the castle speaking to a “magic mirror” that reassured her she was still beautiful. The King, wanting a more youthful companion, went back to his one-night stands and locked the Queen in the tower with only her delusions of youth and beauty for company.
By: Alison Bossert, Steven Bray, Leela Lindner, Susan Martin, Wendy Meyer & Lauren Sarafan

3 thoughts on “Freaky Fairytale Friday

  1. hello there :)stumble upon your blog! lovely blog you have here. Found you on foodbuzz 🙂 Will be dropping by more often! Feel free to save me on your blogroll 🙂 Happy summer!Jen

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